just let me rant.

just this post please? for after so long of pretty much happiness and hardly anything sad. except for that accident. and except for my very emo facebook and twitter statuses.

i don’t want to spoil the blog’s happy-go-lucky and everything’s dainty and nice kinda spirit (if there’s any), but i really just want to say i am god damn bloody tired. i don’t feel like doing anything. i feel like going into suicidal mode because everyone, almost everyone expects the best out of me, and what? must i perform exactly what you want? be my best when i know i can’t because i haven’t got the heart?

i got a long life ahead of me, the oldies tell me. and what, i am breaking down right now? pathetic. call me pathetic because you are not me. you don’t live the way i do. you don’t go through what i am going through now. yeah sure, you say you had it worse, well, whatever. congratulations to you for going through it and say hello to a loser like me who does nothing but whines. but i did try my best. in doing what i can and everything. before you start saying anything bout me didn’t try hard enough, i’ll just have to ask you this, by what standards have you got in mind to say “you have done enough”? what is enough? share with me, please? really.

but you know, sometimes i just don’t have the luck. i don’t have the strength. i really do admire those who manage to stay strong despite all the problems and darkness they have. i fail majorly here. i had never pretended that i am a strong adult, and i am quite honest to tell you that i am just a kid. a small girl who yearns nothing more than her freedom and her wings to fly, and the ability to give the one she love dearest (although it took her years to finally know that) the one thing he desires — a happy ending.

i still learn from everyday’s lesson, but i grow so tired of it. the so called adults, are they even behaving like one? do they? must i be like one of them? so i can stand tall and tell everyone “hey! i’m a BIG girl now!” bleh. i don’t want to be one of them. i never wanted to grow up. yeah, sure, money is great and all, but to tell you the truth, i haven’t got much love for it. if money robs me of my precious time, i rather not want it. it’s okay if i don’t go travelling, it’s ok if i can’t afford nice jewelries, bags, car or house, it’s ok even if it means i cut down on makeup (which is really fine by me).

i don’t want money to be controlling my life. i don’t want the stress, the workload and forsake the very little amount of time i have left to us if i work just for the sake of money. where’s the passion? money can push you so far, but without passion? can we go even further? it’s not that i am dying or have terminal disease, but then i really wouldn’t know until i go for a really serious medical checkup, so living and breathing every minute every second is a good enough thing. i don’t think i am afraid of dying, more like afraid of being alone, fearing of the unknown. i don’t know when my last breathe would be, that’s why i hate the idea of working like shit, working like a slave, just to have more and more money. if i die, would the money be of any good use? no right? so why do i want to enslave myself to the neverending work? why do i always have to do the shittiest stuff when i make no mistake, tried my best (again, how do you define this?) and yet i need to do your job just because you are older and i should be respecting that. bleh, what good does age makes you if you are not even acting like one.

i sound so silly. so naive. so stupid. so self centered don’t i? you can even call me a small girl, if you want. because i don’t deny the fact that i am still, a very small girl at heart.

i need to rant rant rant because the bf is horrible at listening. i can’t tell me dad. neither can i talk to me mom. and my sisters. we’d get into a big argument and hate each other forever. my friends are scattered everywhere, telling them is pointless because they can only sympathize and they hadn’t had this type of feeling/ problem before, so it’ll be hard for them to understand, not that writing here on the blog is any better anyway.

but i guess writing here does explain a little bit on why am i so slow in writing lately. no reviews. no fotds. no nothing. because i can’t write if my soul isn’t there. the blog is something i share with an honest heart, and without that honesty in it, i feel like i am cheating all of you just because i know some of you enjoy reading my little findings. i don’t believe in quantity, only quality. if i can’t write something that i have tested long enough, no point in writing. to me, that’s cheating. how to write about skincare if you have only used it for a day? =_=

i have been quite in a slump lately, and i think it’ll be like this for a while. so when i am feeling chirpy and all, i’ll put in a blogpost or two, maybe 3 if i have the time.

i hope all of you have a happier day than mine, kay?

till the day is bright and sunny, you are stuck with a gloomy and weary but occasionally slightly happy plue.

*i might lock this post up whenever i feel like it, lol*